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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28402929">Love Sick</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersBlockSPF555/pseuds/writersBlockSPF555'>writersBlockSPF555</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>All hurt no comfort, Angst, Anime-Only Author, Author (tries) to answer comments fast, Author Loves Comments, Author is OK I swear, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Inspired by episode 11, Just pain for Subaru :(, Mental Breakdown, No Spoilers, No romance really sorry, Poor Subaru, Self-Esteem Issues, Tagged M to be safe, Wrote this on a whim, first fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:26:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,622</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28402929</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/writersBlockSPF555/pseuds/writersBlockSPF555</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Natsuki Subaru finds his own personal hell.</p><p>An Expansion of Season 2 Episode 11, looking deeper into Subaru's thoughts at the time. Just what was going through the mind of the only butler of the Mathers House?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Emilia/Natsuki Subaru, Natsuki Subaru/Suffering</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Love Sick</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TW:<br/>Suicidal Thoughts, Gore?, Big Self Esteem Issues! Please be advised!</p><p>Some disclaimers: A LOT of the dialogue is taken straight from the sub, and it will probably be apparent because the dialogue quality will drop a lot haha. I do not own it at all, nor do I pretend to own it. The big man Tappei Nagatsuki owns it, and I really love his work! I tried to keep their characters true-to-cannon in my own dialogue, but I can't promise perfection, I am an anime-only after all so I don't know how the characters are written in the WN and LN.</p><p>Some of the fics which inspired me: Sonder by CobalticArkangel (so good, read it!) and no more dreaming of the dead (as if death itself was undone) by suffaru41</p><p>In addition, I was inspired by episode 11 and Subaru's words in episode 13. I essentially just put myself in his shoes based on what he said in that episode. </p><p>There is a criminally low number of fics for Re:Zero, and I was shocked to see the low amount of fics for the best ship: Subaru/Suffering. This is my humble attempt to sate my own hunger for fics, especially for those with angst.</p><p>This is also my first fic ever written, and I haven't written in a while, so constructive criticism is welcome!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>    Subaru stumbled into the Witch’s Tomb, his breath making thick clouds in front of his face as his good eye scanned his surroundings. Shivering, he searched for a sign of life, a sign that he wasn’t once again alone and left to be devoured by the Great Hare. The only sounds which reached his ears were the pattering of his footsteps and his shaky breaths echoing from the cold, stone walls of the tomb.</p><p><br/>
    “How much of this did you foresee, Echidna?” he asked himself as he pulled himself through the halls. Subaru hummed lightly to himself - not out of amusement or of happiness but out of exhaustion and disgust. He thought he knew hell earlier in the loop, but this loop had taken that thought and stabbed it in the heart when Elsa granted Beatrice’s wish. Subaru’s right arm covered his left arm for warmth, which had its sleeve taken off for a makeshift eye patch for his wound from earlier in the loop. Subaru eventually came to a closed door, and reached to grab it. It was cold to the touch. He recoiled.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru was immediately hit with a wave of déjà vu. He remembered the horrific loop of death where he tried to return to the mansion, which had felt like weeks ago, though he knew in the back of his mind it was in reality a few days ago at most. Subaru shivered. He flexed his fingers.</p><p><br/>
    He tried the handle of the door again and found that it was unlocked, not that it hadn’t been in previous loops.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru?” a voice rang out.</p><p><br/>
    “Emilia,” Subaru murmured, letting his voice carry throughout the frozen hall before him. He slumped against the wall next to the door, the bare skin of his arm slowly going numb to the cold surface next to him. It looked as if he bore the weight of the world on his shoulders, and his body was finally giving in.</p><p><br/>
    “That’s right, Subaru!” Emilia pranced over to him, “it’s me!” The sound of her voice was music to Subaru’s ears, like a sweet silver bell which was welcomed by his weary soul after witnessing the brutality back at the mansion.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru faltered, and then fell into her body. Faintly, he heard her let out a yelp of surprise at the action.</p><p><br/>
    “Sorry,” Subaru grunted against her, slumping into her touch. <em>God, I’m so pathetic,</em> thought Subaru. He’d already cried into her shoulder earlier in the loop, and now he was using her as his crutch. When would he ever get a hold of himself? When would he stop being a burden?</p><p><br/>
    Emilia started a little bit at the sudden contact, but then shyly snaked her arms around his shoulders. A smile made its way onto her lips as she pulled him closer, relishing the contact of the man who always came to save her.</p><p><br/>
    “Emilia..?” Subaru asked in a voice barely above a whisper. This had never happened in any of the previous loops. Why was Emilia returning his affections? He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know.</p><p><br/>
    “I was so lonely,” Emilia said from behind him, “I was so lonely, Subaru.” She pushed herself back so she could admire his face. “You just went away and left me behind.” Her face morphed into a knowing, sweet smile, one that people make to naughty children who they caught red-handed with their hand in the cookie jar.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru’s eye widened at this accusation. “No,” he started, taken aback, “I didn’t…” He trailed off. His eye searched her face, and he blinked rapidly. Then Subaru remembered his actions earlier in the loop, and his eye flashed in recognition. “I left a letter,” he began, “explaining everything.”</p><p><br/>
    “What are you talking about?” Emilia responded immediately. Subaru's hands began to tremble. Hadn’t he given her the letter this loop? Were the loops melting into one another so that he couldn’t remember?</p><p><br/>
    Subaru reeled at that thought. He thought that the last thing keeping him human was his memory of each loop, but what did it mean for him now that it was gone? Was his humanity on its last legs?</p><p><br/>
    “You don’t need to make excuses,” Emilia said, stunning Subaru out of his thoughts. She had turned around, and was walking away from him with a skip in her step. “You’ve come back to me after all.”</p><p><br/>
    “You know,” she said, turning to face Subaru, “I never stopped believing...”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru was at a loss. The one constant in his life, Emilia, was acting a way she had never before. Was it something he did?</p><p><br/>
    “That you’d come to me,” Emilia whispered, walking to him and pressing herself against his chest. “That if I did my best to fulfill my task, you’d come to save me.” Emilia drew in a breath of Subaru's smell. “That’s what you’ve always, always done after all,” Emilia’s talking turned into a sing-songy voice, “riiight?” she said as she looked Subaru in the eye.</p><p><br/>
    She reached up behind Subaru’s head, behind his blind-spot, and began stroking his hair. He flinched.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru, you know,” Emilia drawled, “how you always try to touch my hair?” She smiled lovingly. “I’m returning the favor.”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru felt a pit in his stomach at this display of affection. Inexplicably, he wanted to push away her hand, the hand whose touch he has been craving since his arrival in this godforsaken world. Subaru began to feel light-headed, and gasped lightly.</p><p><br/>
    As fast as it came up, her hand fell. “I was so scared,” she said once again in a sing-song manner. “I thought maybe you had actually gotten sick of me.” There was a look in Emilia’s eyes which he had only seen once before - in the eyes of Satella in the previous loop. He could see his own shocked expression in their amethyst depths.</p><p><br/>
    “So I got scared and came here, but it didn’t help at all,” Emilia continued, her face turning into a smile. “I was really, truly happy when you showed up!” her voice took a high pitch as she said these words. Suddenly, her voice dropped and she began to talk in a sing-songy tone, “Stay with me forever. As long as I have you, I don’t need anything else,” She stepped closer to him. “I’m sorry about everything. I hope you feel the same way about me.”</p><p><br/>
    Emilia giggled in a way which, despite the foreboding feeling in his stomach, made Subaru’s heart flutter. However, it soon came to a standstill as she finished her statement.</p><p><br/>
    “I love you, Subaru!”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru gasped lightly. He shook his head, wondering if perhaps he truly had gone mad. He pinched himself to try and wake himself up from this dream; it had to be one! It had to be one, sick nightmare. Perhaps he was having hallucinations next to Beatrice, bleeding to his death.</p><p><br/>
    He did not wake up. This was his reality.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru clenched his good eye shut. How did it come to this? He felt sick.</p><p><br/>
    “Emilia,” he started, his voice pained, “do you,” he coughed out. These were the words he wanted to hear, right? Why did this feel so wrong? Why did he hate it? He felt sick.</p><p><br/>
    There was no way she could really love him. No way.</p><p><br/>
    “Do you know what you are saying?” he asked her. He wanted her to laugh and say it was a silly prank, and for Puck to jump out from her brooch and scold her for giving her heart to a boy like Subaru. Then, they would all laugh together, just like those times back in the mansion, before the Mabeast attack.</p><p><br/>
    Instead, she smiled sweetly and hummed in affirmation. He felt sick.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru felt sick. His stomach wanted to relieve himself of anything he had eaten that day.</p><p><br/>
    How could this happen? What happened to Emilia, what pushed her this far to make her fall to him? Why didn’t he stop it? Why couldn’t he stop it?</p><p><br/>
    She couldn’t love him. She shouldn’t love him.</p><p> </p><p>    He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt sick. He felt-</p><p><br/>
    Emilia put her arms again around Subaru in a loving embrace, but Subaru felt disgusted at her touch. Why does she love him? He failed her this loop. He’s failed her every loop. He’s going to fail her every loop. He failed Rem, who loved him. He failed his parents, who did everything in their power to give him a comfortable life. He failed Beatrice this loop, letting her die at the hands of Elsa.</p><p><br/>
    How could anyone love him? Subaru was gross. He didn’t deserve her or anyone’s love. Not even Satella’s love, which was inexplicably granted to him.</p><p><br/>
    A fresh wave of nausea came over Subaru as he thought of Emilia’s doppelganger.</p><p><br/>
    Why does Satella love him? Why does Emilia love him? Why did Rem love him? Why did his parents love him? Can’t they see that he’s just a boy who screws everything up? Everyone he loves dies or gets hurt, and he’s powerless to stop it. All he can do is watch.</p><p><br/>
    And watch he does. Subaru watched as Betelguese mutilated Rem in numerous arcs. He watched as Emilia died in his hands when he told her about his godforsaken curse. He watched as Garfiel slaughtered everyone in front of him, with everyone dying to protect <em>him</em>. Subaru has been a good-for-nothing since before he came to Luginica. Why did he think that coming to this fantasy world would change that?</p><p><br/>
    What would his father say, to see his son like this? The son which shares his looks, the son which he was so proud of when he was little. He always prided himself in being a standup man, and the whole community loved him. In contrast, Subaru had let a whole community die in many loops. What about his mother? She tried her best to raise him as a good boy, yet her “good boy” had allowed his beloved to fall in such a deep hole that she could turn to only him.</p><p><br/>
<em>    Dad, Mom, everyone, I’m sorry,</em> Subaru thought as he choked back a sob,<em> I’m sorry I’ll never be enough.</em></p><p><br/>
    Why did Echidna trust him with the power to take the trials? He knew he wasn’t worthy of it. He can’t live up to her expectations, to Emilia’s expectations, to his parents’ expectations. After all, all he can do is die.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru wanted to die, but that wouldn’t give him release. He knew he deserved every ounce of pain he got. He knew he deserved the inevitable goring he was going to get from the Great Hare this loop.</p><p><br/>
    So why was he so scared of death?</p><p><br/>
    This cut into Subaru the most. He had confirmation from Echidna: he has no limit to Return By Death. So why does he fear the pain that he can come back from, the pain that he knows he rightfully deserves?</p><p><br/>
    Emilia’s touch morphed from the loving touch of the girl he loves to the ripping and tearing of the Great Hare. He felt their paws all over his body, their jaws ripping into every bit of flesh on his body, tearing into new and old orifices alike. He felt them entering his body, their gnashing at his flesh, and heard their terrible screeching.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru?” Emilia asked, knocking Subaru out of his spiraling thoughts, an unsaid question in her eyes. “It’s okay, you don’t have to say it too, you know. You’ve said that you love me enough for the both of us.” She went to pet Subaru’s hair, murmuring sweet nothings into his ear. Subaru shivered at her touch, recoiling into himself and suppressing the gag he felt running deep in his throat. With every word she spoke, he could feel the stomach acid building deep in his throat. God, he was disgusting, he couldn’t take any more of her love.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru wrested free of her, gasping for breath, stumbling a few steps away from her, barely catching the hurt look on Emilia’s face.</p><p><br/>
    He couldn’t get out of his own mind, not in this suffocating tomb. He had to get out of here, away from the walls that appeared to be falling in on him, away from this nausea that flooded from his stomach at Emilia’s slightest touch. He had to use this loop in order to understand why this happened. Roswaal had to be connected somehow, the magician seemed to have his fingers in everything.</p><p><br/>
    He felt so heavy, though. His nausea was making him want to lie down, and maybe never move again. He steeled himself.</p><p><br/>
    “Emilia,” he started yet again, “I need to go outside.”</p><p><br/>
    “No!” she was quick to object. “I want you here, by my side!” Emilia began to move to pet Subaru again.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru was afraid of this. He feared he was too weak to deny her of her want for him.</p><p><br/>
    “Sorry, I know I’m soooo selfish,” Emilia sang.</p><p><br/>
    Selfish? How was she selfish? He was the selfish one, wanting to stand her equal after failing her like this, and the many times he will in the future.</p><p><br/>
    Still, Subaru knew he needed to get at least something out of this loop. There was too much going on, too much for him to learn about, but he could at least get some information out of this life, so he knew it was his duty to do so.</p><p><br/>
    “I want to check with Ros-chi,” Subaru said, “I promise I’ll come right back to you.”</p><p><br/>
    “But I want Subaru with me now.” The half-elf pouted, stretching out the end of the statement.</p><p><br/>
    “Sorry! But I’ve got important butler business to attend to!” Subaru saluted, shooting a grin at her, trying to return to the old Subaru that she knew from so many loops ago to convince her. The salute reminded him of an ill-fated loop back at the mansion, back when it was Emilia who was leaving him for the night.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru, you dunderhead, I want to spend time with my beloved!” responded the girl.</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    “Emilia!” Subaru pleaded, clenching his eye so he didn’t have to see Emilia’s hurt face. “There are some things that Ros-chi and I need to talk about - it's really important to me!” Subaru clenched his fists. He was about to say something else, but he made the mistake of cracking his eye open, seeing a shaking Emilia.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    “Liar,” Emilia cried, “you said that you loved me didn’t you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    This was the worst-case scenario. Subaru knew he was too weak to stand up to a tearing up Emilia. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    “I just wanted to spend time with you! Is that too much to ask of you?” Emilia continued, and then her face turned into one of anger. “You…” Her body began to tremble. “you already broke one promise, are you going to break another one, too?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    Subaru felt his resolve slipping. He could not deal with an emotionally unstable Emilia, not with his current state.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    “I’ll come back, I promise!” Subaru argued back.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    “How can I trust you?” she feebly asked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    Subaru was at a loss. He couldn’t even trust himself anymore, how could he convince her to let him go?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>    “Emilia-tan,” he started, feeling the gears in his head turn. He had an idea. “I’ll give you my jacket. That way, you’ll know I’ll come back.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>    This seemed to placate her. Emilia sighed and said, “Fine, I wouldn’t mind having Subaru’s jacket!”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru removed his jacket,<span> one of his few reminders of his home world,</span> handing it to Emilia. As he turned to leave, she wrapped her arms around him once more. He couldn’t suppress the trembling of his hands as she did so.</p><p><br/>
    She giggled into his ear, “Come back soon, okay?”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru shrugged her off as his skin crawled, remembering the weight of the Great Hare upon his body. He tried his best to give her his best 10000 megawatt smile. “Okay!” He waved, and was sickened to get déjà vu from his first trial as he did this. Another memory marred.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru left the tomb, into the cold. He hardly felt it, as he was so exhausted from this loop’s events. He hardly even noticed as he passed by Garfiel and Ryuzu.</p><p><br/>
    There was no way Emilia could truly love him. Subaru grit his teeth. He thought he had gone numb to the pain this world brought him three loops ago, but this time the world went after his heart. Subaru’s mind unwillingly went back to her “confession” to him. Something had happened to Emilia to make her this way, to make her think she loved him, to push herself to him.</p><p><br/>
    He was going to get to the bottom of this loop. He will talk to Roswaal. For Emilia’s sake.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>    Subaru dragged himself along the cold concrete of the tomb. He could feel his flesh hanging on by sinewy threads, but he couldn’t bring himself to tend to his wounds - there were too many for a non-healer like himself to deal with anyway. He had one mission - get back to Emilia to make sure she’s alright. Every step he made left a trail of blood, but he didn’t notice because his sight was set dead ahead, on where Emilia was.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru thought back to his conversation with Roswaal, biting back a surge of anger at the name. That bastard was the one that did this to Emilia. He made her into the unstable mess that she is, so much so that she came to rely on Subaru.</p><p><br/>
    “I’ll never become like you,” Subaru muttered under his breath, “bastard.” His expression hardened.</p><p><br/>
    After a long trudge, he finally made it to the doorway. He saw Emilia inside, their eyes meeting immediately. She lay curled in a ball around his jacket, her eyes on the doorway. There was a silent question in Emilia’s eyes, but they immediately brightened at the sight of him. She dropped his jacket from her grip.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru?”</p><p><br/>
    She jumped up like an excited puppy. “It is you, Subaru!” she exclaimed happily and laughed, running over to him.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru faltered. He felt his strength leaving his body, but he had done it. He had checked on Emilia; she was safe.</p><p><br/>
    “Gosh, where have you been?” Emilia sang to him, her eyes shining with excitement. “I was so worried.” Her hands went to grasp Subaru’s. She held one of his bloodied hands in both of hers in a tight grip. She leaned into Subaru’s face so that their noses bumped.</p><p><br/>
    “Are you tired?” she asked, looking Subaru in the eye, “Are you exhausted?”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru merely blinked in response. He didn’t have the energy to respond if he wanted to.</p><p><br/>
    “I see!” Emilia laughed at his reaction. “Alright then.” She twirled around and then pranced over to the middle of the room.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru closed his eye.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru, Subaru!” Emilia called him to attention, and his eye opened. She was kneeling on the floor patting her thighs. Subaru blinked, confused. What was she doing?</p><p><br/>
    “You like resting your head on my lap, right?”</p><p><br/>
    Subaru supposed he did. He couldn’t say either way. All he wanted to do was sleep.</p><p><br/>
    He slowly made his way over to her. It wouldn’t be such a bad idea to rest right now, wouldn’t it? With Emilia by his side, he could afford a little sleep. It's been such a hard loop after all.</p><p><br/>
    He lay down and closed his eyes on Emilia’s lap.</p><p><br/>
    “Subaru, are you sleepy?” the half-elf girl asked, her hand caressing his bloodied cheek. Vaguely he thought about how he was making her bloody, what with his destroyed body from the Great Hare. He also vaguely registered that he no longer felt sick at her touch. Or maybe he always felt sick? He wasn’t sure. He wanted to sleep on it.</p><p><br/>
    He cracked his eye open to meet hers, and saw her smiling down at him. This reminded him of that nice time at the mansion, a few months ago. He was tired too then, right? He also felt exhausted then, and after that he felt all better. Wasn’t this just like then?</p><p><br/>
    He moved one of his arms to her face and realized that he couldn’t touch her. Then he remembered the Great Hare. It bit his hand off. He felt some shock at this, but the numb sleepiness overcame this feeling.</p><p><br/>
    He felt the warmth of his blood pooling around him, from all of his wounds.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru thought he began to hear the chattering of the Great Hare echoing from the stone corridor outside of the tomb. Maybe they came to finish the job. Maybe he had gone mad and it was all in his head. Subaru’s sleepiness won the argument between the two sides, however, and the thought faded to the back of his mind.</p><p><br/>
    “You’re always pushing yourself too hard for other people’s sake,” Emilia scolded him, “it gives me mixed feelings.” Subaru’s vision began to gray out. “I only want you to push yourself too hard for me. But I wouldn’t like a Subaru who never looked at anyone else,” he saw Emilia through the haze shake her head.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru felt cold. He felt so cold.</p><p><br/>
    “I’m sorry, I’m so selfish, aren’t I?” Emilia giggled at this, shaking her head softly.</p><p><br/>
    Subaru felt her draw near. He began to feel a dark hand encircle his heart.</p><p><br/>
    Emilia’s perfume washed over him. Her lips pressed down on his.</p><p><br/>
    Natsuki Subaru’s lips were cold by the time Emilia finished the kiss.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it! I hope you enjoyed reading it! Drop a comment and I'll try to respond! :)</p><p>edit way after posting: I don't think I did Emilia tan justice and may edit some of those lines ahaha. Hope this wasn’t too cringe</p><p>Edit way, way after posting: fixed the conversation that I felt was lacking.</p><p>Edit way, way, way after posting: made some grammar edits thanks to Turacoverdin. Thank you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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